


the stupid ferret and the pathetic human

by 101places



Series: and they were ROOMMATES [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No SHIELD (Marvel), Bobbi Morse (mentioned) - Freeform, Bullying, First Meetings, Gen, Humor, ggod im sorry idk how to fucking tag this, haha kassius get it bc he's an ass im so funny, i feel so bad for putting this in deke's tag bc..... well. You Know, i guess, kasius is there briefly but i spelt his name wrong on purpose bc im that petty, like just a Brief Part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 04:36:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16716713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/101places/pseuds/101places
Summary: Life’s tough, for a ferret.Every day is a constant struggle. You never know if you’ll live long enough to have your next meal. Life’s like a game of chance.These are truths that Deke knows well.( It's an AU where Deke's a ferret I don't know what you want me to say )





	the stupid ferret and the pathetic human

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this is part of my roommates au series, but as this is a sort of prequel you dont need to have to have read the others for this to make sense. here's some info if it'll help tho:  
> \- no shield au where bobbi & fitzsimmons are students at st andrews uni  
> \- hunter & fitz are Old Friends, somehow  
> \- deke is fitz's pet ferret
> 
> im sorry im amused i managed to write something nearly 4k words long based around the concept of deke being a ferret too

Life’s tough, for a ferret.

Every day is a constant struggle. You never know if you’ll live long enough to have your next meal. Life’s like a game of chance.

These are truths that Deke knows well.

Ever since he was born, Deke has been a ferret, and he has lived a ferret’s life, with his ferret mother and ferret father. Or, at least, he lived his ferret life with his ferret mother and ferret father, until one day the great blue hands from the sky came to take them. Deke never saw his parents again.

Still, he managed to move on from that trauma, because he had to. He had to survive in this world, with or without their guidance.

He learnt how to steal, how to trick and cheat and fight the other ferrets. It wasn’t something he was proud of, but that was life here. If he didn’t do this, the great blue hands would likely come for him next.

This was the life Deke led, and while it wasn’t great, he was satisfied with it. He wasn’t going to go chasing after change.

However, as it happened, change would come chasing after Deke.

One day, as Deke performed his ordinary rounds in the place that the ferrets had come to know as  _ the Lighthouse _ , a human passed by.

This was pretty typical- many humans would pass by every day, being herded around by the great blue ones. This human stopped outside of the ferret’s level, observing them. Then he turned and spoke in human-speech to one of the great blue ones. The two bartered back and forth for a while, before the great blue one opened the roof and his hands descended.

Ferrets ran for cover, but nothing could save them from the wrath of the great blue one.

Deke watched as one after another, ferrets were taken away, and finally was forced to watch as the hands descended upon him.

He found himself thinking back to his parents, and wondered if he would see them again.

Deke quickly forced that thought away. No, he had a plan here. He’d thought many times about when the great blue hands would come for him, as they came for all, and he knew exactly what he was going to do.

He waited until he was clear of the ferret’s level, before biting down hard on the great blue hand.

The great blue one shrieked, releasing him. Deke flipped about in the air, landing on the smooth floor, and bolted.

He ran as fast as his little legs could carry him, heading for the door and his freedom. His escape route, however, was blocked off by the human. Deke skidded to a halt, crashing into the human’s weird, heavy feet.

Before Deke could change course, the human bent down and picked him up, holding him securely in his hands. Deke squirmed, but no matter how he tried, he couldn’t slip out of his grasp. Curses, foiled again.

 

.

 

“That one’s rather… aggressive.” The shelter worker, a man called Kassius, spoke, nursing his bleeding hand with an irritated expression.

“No kidding,” Hunter spoke with a laugh, holding the ferret so he couldn’t escape.

“If you’d prefer a differe-”

“No, no. This one’s great. Aggressive is good.”

Kassius seemed skeptical, but Hunter didn’t pay him any more mind, carefully placing the ferret- Deke, he’d been informed was his name- into the box alongside the others. He wondered if it was okay to put a ferret described as ‘aggressive’ in a small, closed off space with others, but then again, he wouldn’t exactly expect people at  _ this _ shelter to care about something like this.

The Lighthouse Animal Sanctuary was infamous for malpractice, which was exactly why Hunter had chosen it today.

While giving money to them wasn’t ideal, he knew that Bobbi would be dropping less judgemental comments about his plan if she knew that he was rescuing these poor, innocent creatures from a living hell.

...Theoretically.

Really, no matter what precautions Hunter took, Bobbi was likely to judge him for this plan. That was just something he’d have to accept.

This really was necessary, though. He wouldn’t be throwing his money away if it  _ wasn’t _ . He could take a few comments in return for justice ( and the joy of seeing ferrets attack some assholes ).

 

.

 

In the dark box, Deke huddled with some fellow ferrets anxiously. They didn’t know what was happening or where they were going. You never heard back from those that the great blue hands took, after all. For all they knew, they were being taken to their deaths.

They stayed like that for an age, the box shaking, sending them tumbling around if they tried to stand- until, finally, shaking stopped.

The ferrets perked their ears up, curiosity winning over anxiety. Distantly, the sound of human voices could be heard. They did not sound happy.

Deke had a bad feeling about this.

The box began to move again, but differently to before. This time, it felt as though someone was carrying it.

The human voices were clearer now. Deke could make out that one belonged to the human from earlier, but the others were unfamiliar. There must have been at least five humans at least, however.

The box was set down somewhere firm, and suddenly there was light.

The ferrets rushed out, towards the light. Deke watched as they sped out, but didn’t join them. His bad feeling grew. He felt that if he left now, something terrible would happen.

 

.

 

“Alright, gentlemen!” Hunter called out as he stepped out of his car.

Three unfamiliar boys looked at him with harsh glares. The fourth boy, who was far from unfamiliar, looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up.

“Did you… invite your  _ brother _ ?” One of the boys asked, his tone mocking.

“He’s not…” Fitz tried to defend himself, “We’re not, he’s, uh.”

“Cat got your tongue, Leo?”

“Now, now,” Hunter spoke casually, taking the ferret box and a spray bottle from the boot of his car, closing it firmly behind him, “That’s not very nice, is it?”

The boys started laughing at Hunter, and Hunter laughed with them. Oh, they had  _ no idea _ what was about to happen.

“Hunter…” Fitz spoke lowly, trying to get him to stop. In response, Hunter shot him a reassuring look.

He had this situation under control.

“Do you know what this is?” Hunter set the ferret box on the ground, and held up the spray bottle. None of the boys answered, so Hunter continued, “I think it’s easier to just show you.”

He darted forwards, spraying the boys with a healthy dose of the contents. They cried out in shock.

“What the hell did you do!?” One of them demanded, taking a step closer that he likely intended to be menacing. Hunter wasn’t particularly intimidated.

As a response, Hunter opened the ferret box, releasing the furry mammals into the wild.

The ferrets rushed out, sensing the ferret pheromone that Hunter had sprayed the boys with. They ran towards them and began to claw at their legs.

The boys shrieked, trying to get rid of the ferrets. Though ferrets are typically cute and cuddly, having a swarm of them rush at one and begin to attack one’s legs would likely be a bit frightening to anyone, especially young teenagers who had likely not seen a ferret before aside from in pictures or on TV.

Within a few second, the boys had fled the scene- as had the ferrets.

Proud of his handiwork, Hunter turned to Fitz. The boy in question was stood on the hood of Hunter’s car, eyes wide.

“Told you I’d sort it out.” Hunter spoke smugly.

“I-” Fitz was at a loss for words, which was probably fair. This was far from what he had been  _ expecting _ .

“Anyway, you still on for Star Wars night?” Hunter asked, changing the subject as he strolled to the empty ferret box.

He paused when he lifted it and realised that it wasn’t quite as empty as he’d initially assumed.

He peered in, seeing one ferret still curled up at the far end of the box. “Oh, shit…” He reached in to retrieve it, letting out a breath of relief when he found it still very much alive.

He set the box down on the ground so he could examine the ferret more closely. “You’re that little Deke, aren’t you?”

Fitz cautiously dropped off the car, approaching Hunter and Deke. “It’s got a name?”

“ _ Of course _ it has a name, Fitz.” Hunter said as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. “Meet Deke.”

Fitz looked Deke over quietly, still processing the events of the past few minutes.

“Suppose I’ll just release this little tyke.”

Hunter went to place Deke on the ground, but Fitz hurriedly snatched him from his hands. “No!”

Hunter looked over at Fitz, surprised.

“Can ferrets even  _ survive _ in the wild?” Fitz demanded accusingly, “I’m not letting you abandon another one.”

“What? Sorry, are you forgetting the part where I just saved you?”

“Oh, yeah, because you did such a great job of that! No one’s going to let me live this down,  _ ever _ . I have to go to school with those guys again next week!”

Hunter considered that he possibly didn’t plan this out in the long-term.

Fitz cradled Deke close to his chest. “...I’ll make this work.”

 

.

 

Deke had no clue what was happening. The human before and a new, more pathetic-seeming human were speaking over him, passing him around like a hot potato- whatever  _ that _ was. Deke, himself, was too shocked and exhausted to fuss around too much, deciding that whatever fate had in store with him he’d just take, and if he died, then so be it.

After the two finished arguing, they returned to the shaky metal human box, and Deke remained on the pathetic human’s lap for a while.

They stopped a few times, taking Deke into places that he had never even imagined could exist before. The whole situation was exhausting, and eventually, he fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

.

 

As time passed, Fitz became accustomed to Deke.

The ferret was particularly stupid, even as far as ferrets came, but there was something about him that was oddly endearing, too. Fitz enjoyed watching him run about in his cage as he planned out his latest invention, and found that Deke was a great substitute for a rubber duck when he hit a wall.

And, as it happened, Fitz  _ had _ managed to live down Hunter’s absolutely terrible plan that day. The bullies that had been the victims of the ferrets didn’t bother him anymore- likely too embarrassed by the whole incident to want to be reminded of it.

Fitz’s time in school still wasn’t  _ good _ by anyone’s definition of the word, but he found it far more manageable with Deke waiting in his room for him.

This was the life Fitz led, and while it wasn’t great, he was satisfied with it. He wasn’t going to go chasing after change.

However, as it happened, change would come chasing after Fitz.

In school, there was a science team. Once a year, they competed in an inter-school championship. Fitz hadn’t wanted to join, but his science teacher had insisted that it would be good for him- and that he’d easily be the strongest member of the team- and he’d given in. 

The team did well, winning every competition they took part in. Admittedly, Fitz was rather carrying the team, but he found that he didn’t particularly care about that- and his teacher had been  _ right _ . It was good for him. Fitz found great enjoyment showing off his knowledge, and while the competition was never particularly challenging, it was helping to boost his confidence.

The only issue was the finals.

He’d have to leave Deke for the weekend.

Since he’d first taken ownership of the ferret, he hadn’t left him for a single night. He wasn’t sure how Deke would cope with the separation- he was a rather stupid ferret, he might assume that Fitz was gone for good.

“It’s just for the weekend,” Fitz explained as he packed. He knew that ferrets couldn’t understand English, but knowing that he’d tried lowered his anxiety somewhat, “I’ll be back Sunday night, and I’ll tell you if anything interesting happens.”

 

.

 

Deke was not a stupid ferret. He knew that something was happening, from the way that his pathetic human moved around the room, and from his tone of voice as he spoke. He wondered idly if the great blue ones were coming to take him away, too.

It’d be a shame if they were. The past age where he’d been with this human had been rather pleasant. He was well-fed and stimulated, and while he’d prefer to not be closed behind these bars, it was far better than the Lighthouse had been. He no longer had to compete, he could just live his life as himself.

And, for his credit, while his human was pathetic, Deke did rather enjoy the company.

When his pathetic human left and didn’t return, Deke wasn’t surprised, though he was disappointed.

Oh well, he supposed that no good thing could last.

 

.

 

Fitz was not a pathetic human, but dear  _ lord _ he felt like one sometimes.

At the finals, he’d found that there was a girl on the opposing team that could very well have intellect enough to challenge his own. She answered each question promptly and confidently, as if it she was being asked what 1 + 1 was. Fitz found himself growing more and more impressed as the night drew on.

The first round ended in a win for his school- just barely. It was the closest win they’d had since the beginning of the competition, and it was entirely down to that girl.

That girl had a name, of course. Jemma Simmons. She was the only member of her team that he’d bothered to learn the name of.

After the first round, the two schools mingled, getting to know each other. The idea was to build friendships and find connections that could be helpful during the transition to A-Levels. In theory, it was a good idea. However, as the night drew on and Fitz became unable to utter a single word to Simmons, he decided that it wasn’t a good idea, after all.

She’d tried to initiate conversation with him a few times, but each time he’d remained silent, completely blanking her.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to her- because he definitely did! It was just, well… she was  _ smart _ . As smart as he was, at least. When he spoke to her, he wanted to be able to impress her. He didn’t want to trip over his words as he always did when he was nervous. So waiting until he could think of something to say seemed the best option.

The next day, the final round of the competition took place. The two school were neck-to-neck throughout, until finally the head-to-head section arrived.

He was selected as the competitor from his school, and naturally, she was selected from her own.

Competing against her like that was actually stimulating, and he found himself realising that he didn’t have this in the bag. There was a very real chance that she’d win. 

And, as it happened, she  _ did _ . By only one point, admittedly, but even so.

Knowing that he’d lost the championships, Fitz couldn’t even find it in himself to be upset. He was just in awe.

 

.

 

The pathetic human did end up returning, and that surprised Deke. When others are taken by the great blue hands, they don’t return. He had assumed it was the same here.

The pathetic human was different now, however. He was buzzing with energy as he returned to the room and began unpacking, talking excitedly, his hands moving wildly to illustrate whatever it was he was saying.

Deke watched him and scratched his ear.

It was good to have him back.

 

.

 

“Wait. Let me get this straight. You met a girl who you haven’t been able to shut up about for the past hour, and you  _ didn’t speak to her _ ?”

“No, no. I did. In the, um, in the competition. I had to speak to give my answers.”

“Fitz. Mate. That doesn’t count.”

“...I just wanted to impress her.”

Hunter laughed and clapped Fitz on the back, “Just be yourself, Fitz. I can’t think of anything more impressive than that.”

 

.

 

The next time he met her was another science-related event- this time it was a science fair all the way in London. Those who were interested in further science-related studies were allowed to go on the trip, and Fitz had naturally been interested. He hadn’t really been expecting to see her there, but wasn’t exactly disappointed when he had.

At first, he was tempted to just observe her from the distance again ( he wondered, briefly, if it sounded creepy when he put it like that ), but remembering Hunter’s pep talks, decided that now was the time to strike up a conversation with her.

In the time away, he’d thought about what he’d say should he ever see her again. He’d even rehearsed it to Deke, and if that stupid ferret’s reaction was anything to go by, it was  _ pretty good _ .

He made his way across the room to the stall she was standing by. And then the worst thing in the world happened.

He tripped over his own legs, and went flying.

It felt like it was happening in slow motion. He felt his foot catch on his other foot, he felt gravity begin to do its job, and he saw the advanced virtual reality device coming closer and closer to his head. Despite the fact that he was about to destroy an extremely expensive piece of equipment, all he could think about forlornly was how he was about to ruin her impression of him for good.

Then, to his absolute surprise, he felt a hand grab onto his upper arm to steady him. He looked up, and saw Simmons looking down at him nervously.

“Are you alright?” She asked.

“Oh.” He steadied himself, giving himself a moment to re-orient himself and process that he wasn’t falling any longer. “Y’know.”

“Not really. That’s why I asked.”

“O-oh, um…” Crap. His suave lines left his head. He couldn’t think of anything to say. He opened his mouth to try and rescue the situation, and: “Did you know that apes, gibbons, lemurs, and chimpanzees aren’t officially classified as monkeys? They’re all primates, but… like… uh…”

He had absolutely no idea why he’d said  _ that _ .

If he hadn’t ruined her impression of him by that tripping-over-his-own-feet stunt, then he certainly had by just info-dumping the first monkey fact that entered his head.

“I did, actually,” She spoke up before he could continue to mentally berate himself, “Monkeys are quite fascinating.”

“They  _ are _ ,” He agreed empathetically, “Did you know that the tips of monkey’s tails are like fingertips? Or- or that capuchins are named after monks?”

She laughed quietly, “I didn’t know that second one. Did you know that there’s a species of monkey that has fangs longer than a lion’s?”

“Mandrill monkeys! Yes, I knew that.”

The two continued trading monkey facts as they moved around the hall, and after some time, their conversation tapered off to other topics- the championships, school, Sci-fi shows. As it turned out, they had a lot more in common than just being excellent at science and knowing obscure monkey facts.

By the time the trip was over, they had traded numbers, intending to keep in contact.

 

.

 

“She’s  _ amazing _ , Deke!”

Fitz was splayed out on his bed, staring into his ferret’s cage as he spoke. He was supposed to be working on his new project, but after receiving a text from Simmons, had quickly become distracted.

“Really amazing. She’s so smart- she might even be smarter than  _ me _ . And she likes monkeys!”

Admittedly, she didn’t seem to like them as much as Fitz did himself, but that was a given. Fitz was fairly certain that no one on the planet loved monkeys as much as he did.

“I just wish she lived closer.”

With a pout, Fitz checked his phone to see if he’d missed the notification with her reply. Seeing that he hadn’t, he sighed. 

If only they lived closer, he wouldn’t have to worry about missing her replies.

In his cage, Deke continued to obliviously nibble at his food.

 

.

 

“I had an idea.” Fitz spoke, years later, holding his phone to his ear.

“This isn’t one that’s likely to blow up, is it? It was only last month that you were telling me about-”

“No, Simmons! This isn’t anything like the Propulsion Driving! And that was  _ Hunter’s _ idea, anyway.”

“Right, right.” She spoke with a barely suppressed laugh, “Whenever something goes badly, it was because of Hunter.”

“That’s not what I’m saying! Do you want to hear my idea or not?”

“Sorry. I do. Go ahead.”

“Well. You’re going to St Andrew’s- I know, you haven’t gotten a reply yet, but  _ come on _ they’re not going to turn  _ you _ away- so I was thinking- I could go too!”

There was silence for a long moment.

“Um. Simmons?”

“...Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“What!? Of course! It’s an amazing idea! We could live close to each other!”

“No, I know that, it’s just- well- St Andrew’s is a great university, but it’s not  _ the best _ for engineering. You could get in anywhere. I don’t want you to- I don’t know- give up on that just because you want to follow me.”

“ _ Simmons _ . Do you really think I’d give up on  _ anything _ ? I want to do it! ‘Sides, it’d be nice to stay in Scotland. I know my mum’ll be happy- and if it isn’t too far from home, I could bring Deke to Uni, too.”

“Just make sure you’ve given it enough thought, okay?”

“Fine, fine. But I won’t change my mind.”

 

.

 

True to his word, Fitz didn’t change his mind. He applied to St Andrew’s and, naturally, was granted an unconditional offer, just as Simmons was.

The two roomed together for their first year at the university, and it was everything they imagined it’d be- what could be better than getting to live with your best friend, after all?

There were, however, some… issues.

“I just wanted to let him run around a bit!” Simmons insisted, on her hands and knees, searching in every nook and cranny of their flat for the missing Deke.

Fitz anxiously paced up and down, worried out of his mind for the safety of his stupid ferret.

“Come on out, Deke…” Simmons called, shining a light under the sofa. “Come on out now and I promise I won’t dissect you.”

“Simmons!” Fitz squeaked, “He’s not going to come out  _ now _ .”

“Oh, come on, Fitz. Ferrets can’t understand English.”

“I  _ know _ , but they can read tone!”

“I’m not sure if that’s right…”

“Deke’s a very special ferret!”

“You’re always calling him stupid.”

“He’s special in non-intellectual ways!”

While the pair argued, Deke krept quietly back into his cage. The outside world, he had long-since realised, was more trouble than it was worth.

Once upon a time, he’d been desperate to be free, and to explore the world. Now, however, he was content to remain with his pathetic human.

After all, someone had to stay around to look after him. Who better than Deke the ferret?

**Author's Note:**

> so this is a thing that exists now
> 
> comments/kudos if u enjoyed are super appreciated! thank u for ur time!


End file.
